A different kind of marriage | The absent groom

I was married once
Falling in love is easy
Staying in love is hard
Back then we were young
and had all the time in the world
A brand new house
And I can't keep my eyes off from her eyes
The soft form of her shape and her hair
And a starbright intelligence I appreciate

It fell apart when in reality
She wanted a boyfriend and not me
Because we're both women
If I were a man, I would have work harder
but then beat myself with guilt everyday from lack a job
I should have been kinder to her friend too
We broke up and don't speak to each other anymore
because the connection is not there

When we got married, it happened in summer
she made the work of setting up
and invite everyone to our wedding party
but I feel bad that I was the absent groom
I didn't have the energy and time to make it memorable
College is my higher priority
and her friends ruined the mood
that I don't want to participate due to her taste in friends
I really want her to myself alone, just me and her

But the wedding was beautiful.

If I would consider her as an ex,
then yes, I love her
Or rather I had loved her
But I wouldn't want us back together
I changed and so does she
I have trouble getting over it
because I kept the happy memories of our love inside
even if it's fiction
but I forgotten the times we argued
or I couldn't performed well when we make love
or over children which we couldn't have
and it sound like our relationship problems eeriely mirrored a couple in real life

So why do we broke up? Here's the story:
One day I sent a distressed e-mail to her in December
when my computer broke down and I desperately wanted to see her again
After not hearing from her for a while due to a cruciating important final exam
which I thought I know she sympathesize well due to being college students
and she was busy too with a science project
Her reaction isn't up to par and there's nothing to talk about or roleplay about anymore

She loved me
She's not in love with me
thus no chemistry

Then she's gone, vanished out of my life
I haven't heard from her in a year and a half
And during those times
in my lonely hours
She would have know where to find me
She had my e-mail and all
Where we used to correspond and talk for hours

Then one day, a year and a half later
She e-mailed me and we tried to connect
But something within me changed
It's like I'm someone she used to know
and she held that memory
Hence why she remembered me as her lover
But in the present, I am not
Thus, I ended the conversation with her
When we're about to make love
But I cannot remake the memory
Because I no longer live in the memory
of that kind of love

Our relationship and friendship is the past

I live in the present

But I'm glad she remembered and that she loved me.

I got my degree, I worked, I got my salary and saved my rent,
save my mother's honor,
but I loss my love and a part of me,
my heart is broken that I lost her again because I changed.

How things changed.

And now it's a memory and now she won't remember me.

I can't dare to wish an ex back into my life.

I just have to move on and wish for something more real.

In a way, if she gets married and her heart belonged to another,
I have to learn how to be happy for her too
and be happy for my change and my desire
to be a better person as my journey veered another path
and I'm going off to heal the world
When another doesn't believe in me,
she puts the faith back in me
and I learn to believe in myself.

When I remember the house we lived in
and the way she smiled at me
when I came home,
I believe, "Yes, I'm home and I want you to believe
the same beliefs as me and maybe you'll learn to remember."

For now, I can't be that man she wanted.

I just have to go on a journey where no one can go but me.